Letters From my Mind
by onlygetonelife
Summary: Sam gives Bucky a journal to write in. Steve reads it in hopes to understand whats going on in his best friends' head. This doesn't help Bucky so they find a solution of Bucky writing something to Steve every day. No real pairings you can interpret it as one way or another if you want. Winter Soldier Spoilers
1. Prologue

**Hi Guys I know I have like twelve other things to do but I wanted to write this so yeah. The story will be mostly letters and Steve's reactions to them but this is the chapter set up to explain all of it. **

Prologue

Steve sat sketching on the couch. He was working on a handsome man with a cocky grin and happy eyes.

His subject sat on the other end of the couch. A frown and a blank stare replace the old features that Steve is drawing.

Steve knew his best friend, Bucky was still inside the man but he was fighting an uphill battle against the Winter Soldier side of himself. He rarely spoke, never smiled and just seemed uncomfortable in his own skin these days.

Steve just wanted Bucky to be happy. He drew the old Bucky a lot so as not to forget what Bucky smiling and happy looked like, not that he would ever say that out loud. He used the excuse that he was practicing faces and there was no one's face he knew better than Bucky's.

Steve went out to Lunch with Sam and the conversation turned to Bucky before they even ordered.

The men where in an old style diner Steve had found one day wail wandering DC. It had good food and reminded Steve of home.

"I just wish I knew what was going on in his head he barely ever talks. I used to never be able to shut him up." Steve sighs.

"It'll come just give it time," Sam reassures. "Soon he'll be telling us embracing stories about you and you'll be wishing you could shut him up."

Steve smiled at this.

"So what did he want to do, like for a living before the war? From what you've told me about him I know soldier was not his choice occupation," Sam asks

"Bucky always wanted to be a writer," Steve replied. "He wrote the way I sketch, religiously and about everything."

Sam just smiles at this. "Wow you two really are a pair."

Steve rolls his eyes but doesn't see the wheels turning in Sam's head.

The notebook appears a few days later. It was just your everyday red spiral notebook but it had James 'Bucky' Barns written on the front in Sam's I'm all business neat handwriting on the front.

Steve soon discovers that Bucky is writing again.

They are watching baseball one evening and Bucky simply pulled the notebook out and began to write. Steve smile but didn't dare ask what he was writing though he really wants to.

Steve tries not to think of the notebook. He tries not to breech Bucky's privacy but, he just wanted to know what was going on in his best friend's head.

Bucky and Steve used to trade notebook for sketch book back before everything. Steve missed the way Bucky could take twenty six letters and make worlds that seemed crazy. He missed Bucky's stories of adventure, love and the mysteries he concocted to keep Steve guessing. Now Steve was guessing but in a different way that wasn't fun.

Steve was alone in the apartment a few days later after Sam had dragged Bucky out on a 'let's get you used to not murdering people adventure/ ice cream trip'. Steve's curiosity gets the better of him and he gives into temptation, opening the notebook which had been left on the coffee table.

The first page had a note from Sam

_-Dear Bucky,_

_ Steve told me you like to write, the way he likes to draw. Knowing Steve's habits, I can't believe you haven't been writing on the walls of your apartment. This notebook is yours do whatever you want with it. _

_Your Friend, _

_Sam_

Steve turns the page and finds a list entitled:

_Things I Want to Say but Can't _

_Steve you make coffee too weak _

_Sam I really wish you would stop the Ice cream thing and just drag me for a drink instead, I'm not seven _

_Natasha your Russian is showing _

_I'm Sorry _

_I really want a chocolate shake _

_Why can't I speak full sentences?_

_Steve I'm sorry I keep hurting you _

_I'm always cold these days _

The list goes on and on and Steve doesn't know what to say. Its obvious Bucky is still in there. He wished he knew what to do.

Steve turned the page and found a second list entitled

_Things I remember_

_Little Steve _

_Cyclone/ throw up_

_Train ride of death _

_Flying car _

_Torture (during war and Hydra)_

_Cryo freeze_

_I love hamburgers _

_Big Steve _

As Steve is reading Bucky comes in. He takes one look at what's going on and marches over to Steve, takes the notebook and says, "No." Before going and hiding it in his room.

Bucky does not meet Steve's eye for a week after that.

Steve and Sam are out for breakfast after a run and Steve tells Sam what happened.

Sam gives Steve a look that could kill.

"What?" Steve says.

"He was starting to trust us Steve. He was opening up! You've done a lot more damage than you think."

Steve could no longer meet Sam's eyes because he knows he is right.

Sam does some damage control. Taking Bucky out for ice cream because he refuses to listen to Steve talk about the contents of the notebook.

When they get home Bucky holds a blue notebook in his hands. He shoves it into Steve's grip without a word.

The cover reads _Ok for Steve to read if he wants_ in Bucky's messy handwriting.

Steve opens the notebook to find a note from Sam.

-Steve

Bucky and I made a deal. He will write something in this everyday if you leave his other notebook alone. Don't disappoint me.

-Sam

Steve goes into Bucky's room and finds him sitting on the bed.

"I won't touch your notebook without asking again. I'm sorry I did in the first place. I just wanted to know what you were thinking. You don't have to write anything if you don't want to." Steve leaves the other notebook on the bed with Bucky.

Before he is out the door he hears the scratching of a pen.

**Please Review!**


	2. Letter 1

About an hour later. Bucky comes out holding the blue notebook and shoves it at Steve before going back to his room.

Steve opens it and reads the first letter. It is short and there are a lot of cross outs on the page:

_-Steve _

_ I'm not mad you read my notebook, just embarrassed. There's nothing good in it that you would want to read anyways. I'm sorry Sam yelled at you I didn't think he would get mad. _

_Sorry, _

_Bucky_

_P.S You make really weak coffee and it doesn't taste that good. Could you please stop doing that?_

The note is short but it is obvious that Bucky is trying and that means the world to Steve. He finds Bucky in the living room and just hugs him.

"For the record I do not make weak coffee," Steve says.

Bucky looks at him skeptically.

"Ok Sam told me to make it weak so you wouldn't be up all night," Steve says.

Bucky simply says, "Stop."

Steve laughs, "Ok I'm glad you picked up on that because I was literally going nuts drinking that shit."

Bucky gives him a mock scolding look.

"Yes kidos sometimes even Captain America swears!"

Bucky rolls his eyes and the corners of his mouth tick upward into an almost smile.

Steve feels so relieved and happy.


	3. Letter 2

The second note is longer and it explains a lot to Steve.

_-Steve_

_ I'm sorry I've been getting on your nerves all day. I've got a really bad head ach so I'm not in the best mood. I really didn't mean to break the glass and plate. I just got really dizzy suddenly and let go of them. Natasha thinks the headaches is some of the damage to my brain from __the torture__ you know the stuff from before. Anyways I know I responded badly to breaking the stuff by running away but my mind still jumps to mistakes equals punishment get away from the situation. Sorry again, I'm trying to work on it (and a lot of other things). _

_-Bucky _

Steve sighs. It seems like he is always the last to know what's going on and the least helpful to Bucky.

At least now that he knows what's up he can help relieve the pain a little. Steve also being a super soldier knows that pain meds have very little effect unless a lot of them are taken. It is usually easier to try something else first.

So, Steve goes over to Bucky who is on the couch and sits down next to him. Then gently he takes Bucky's head in his hands and massages the temples.

Bucky sighs in relief.

When Steve stops Bucky meets his eyes, willingly. Steve thinks he can make out a small spark of hope.

"Do you want an ice pack for your head? It always helps me when I get headaches." Steve asks.

Bucky stops thinking for a second. Steve is petrified he has said the wrong thing. After all Bucky hates the cold after being on ice for so long and really who can blame him.

To Steve's relief Bucky nods and says, "Yes please."


	4. Letter 3

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorite and followed!**

The next day the letter was the longest one yet. It had been one of Bucky's good days.

_Dear Steve, _

_ Please read the bracketed text in my you got yourself beat up for no reason scolding voice [Let me start by telling you that Natasha recounted a hilarious story to Sam and I earlier today about how you like to throw yourself out of planes without a parachute. Listen Rogers that needs to stop I told you not to do anything stupid wail I was gone, you'll get yourself killed.] Ok, I'm done ranting. _

_ On an entirely different note I realized that I should probably explain why I'm writing these letters instead of just talking to you. I'm so screwed up I just can't speak to get the words out. I'm getting better at saying little things but big sentences, even rants about your safety still won't come out. Sam says he has seen this before, though I highly doubt it and that it will pass. Sorry about the inconvenience of it all. _

_ Random side note (my brain is a little jumbled these days if you haven't picked up on that) thanks for making meat loaf today. I remember you don't really like it. It tasted really good and bought back a lot of memories, including a very small boy making gaging motions when my Ma's back was turned. _

_ Last thing, sorry I'm a shity friend right now. I know you'll say that it's not true but it is. I can't even hold a conversation for crying out loud. Just know I've got your six (as best I can anyways) and always will. _

_Your Friend, _

_Bucky_

Steve resoled he would make meat loaf once a week after that. He would literally eat sand if it made Bucky happy.

Steve walked from his room where he had been reading the letter into the living room where Bucky was sitting.

"Why is it after I read the first line of that letter my mind immediately read in your scolding voice? Like it was literally clear as day accent and all" Steve asked.

Bucky's lips quirked into an almost smile for a second and he shrugged before raising an eyebrow.

"For the record I'm a super soldier now not a little sickly kid but I'll listen to you about the parachute thing but only because you've got my six," Steve replied

Steve sees joy in Bucky's eyes.

"By the way can you stop apologizing in every letter you write? I'm not mad at you."

"But Steve," Bucky protests.

They stop and stare at each other. It is the first time Bucky has put up a fight about what happened and also the first time he has said Steve's name in seventy years.

"Beer or Ice Cream?" Steve asks.

"For what?" Bucky asks.

"To celebrate you fighting with me, scolding me and actually speaking," Steve replied.

Bucky looks down at the carpet for a wail. Sam had told Steve that choices were important in Bucky's recovery. They were hard but Steve knew he needed them.

"Milkshakes?" Bucky says but doesn't look up. His body is tense as if he is going to be hit. To have an opinion in Hydra was wrong and there would be punishment.

With Steve it meant an extra big chocolate milkshake with a cherry and whipped cream.


	5. Letter 4

**Thank you to everyone who has stayed reading. Sorry this chapter is so short but I have the next one written to so that should be up soon. **

_-Steve, _

_ I don't feel like talking today._

_-Bucky_

Steve reads the letter three times each time wishing for more. Bucky has shut him out all day. He seems restless but also wrecked. Steve can tell he isn't sleeping and Sam is away visiting family so he has no one to ask for help.

After a wail Steve knocks on Bucky's door. There are no sounds of protest so he opens it.

There is Bucky on the bed writing furiously in his other notebook tears streaming down his face.

Steve sits down next to Bucky, who still doesn't acknowledge his presence.

They sit there leaning against the head board with only the scratching of Bucky's pen for noise.

Finally Bucky looks up and flips the page in his notebook writing…

_Help!__ I want to sleep but I can't and feel restless all the time but then I'm constantly exhausted. _

"Ideas?" Bucky asks.

"What do you mean?" Steve deadpans.

"Never mind," Bucky says.

There he goes he shuts Steve out again and he his helpless. All Steve can tell is that Bucky is in pain and he's frustrated.

Steve gets up and leaves him he feels like he is turning his back on Bucky.


	6. Letter 5

Steve drags his best friend running with him the next morning citing the absence of Sam for his reasoning.

Truthfully he called his expert in brain washing Natasha last night to get her help. Steve was beginning to realize how he was the worst person at helping Bucky.

"Nat what do I do? He says he is restless but also constantly exhausted. How do I help him?" Steve pleaded.

"Maybe he needs to do something active daily wail not in cryo. It is a common mind control tactic used to keep assets in line." Natasha advised.

Steve opens his mouth to speak

She cut him off saying, "that means take him running with you, for now."

Steve doesn't bother asking what for now means mostly because he is too afraid to.

So there they were running around and around on a loop Steve picked out. After one time around on the loop the boys became competitive and were racing.

Finally Bucky relented coming to a halt and breathing heavy.

"Giving up," huffed Steve.

Bucky just glared at him then took off running.

"First one home wins!" he calls over his shoulder.

"No fair!" Cried Steve chasing after him.

Bucky won but only by a hair. When they went back up to the apartment they ate breakfast and then Bucky went back to his room.

After about an hour Steve peaked in and found him fast asleep. Steve sighed in relief.

Bucky slept most of the day and only woke up because Steve made him get up to eat dinner.

Bucky wrote the letter, half smiled and then went back to bed.

_Dear Steve, _

_ I feel a lot better. Can I go running with you again tomorrow it it's not too much trouble? _

_-Bucky _


End file.
